Wild Sex - Joke :)

The Italian man said, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!”

The Frenchman boasted, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 10 minutes!”
The Jewish man said, “Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmalz (chicken fat). We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!”
The other two were stunned.
The amazed Frenchman asked, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?”
The Jewish man said.............”I wiped my hands on the bedspread.”

How To Get Out Of A Traffic Ticket!

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:


Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.


Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:


Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.


It was valid.


Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.


The driver owned the car.


Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.


Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.


Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.


Trunk is opened; no body.


Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

Get Out and Enjoy Nature...

It's Hell to be Old :)

An  85-year-old man was requested by  his Doctor for a  sperm count as part of his physical Exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take This jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'  
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the  jar, which was as  clean and empty as on the previous day.  

The doctor asked what happened and the man Explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my  right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.  'Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth  in, then with  her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door And she  tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and  she even tried squeezin' it between her knees,  but still nothing.' 

The  doctor was shocked! 'You asked your Neighbor?'    
The old man replied, 'Yep, none  of us could get the jar open.'

Have a great day :D

Love E.

A closer look at Marriage :)

MARRIAGE

Definition:

The social institution under which a man and woman (in love) establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc., and live happily ever after...or..

Fact or fiction (you make the call):

1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.

2. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin...they can't face each other, but, they still stay together.

3. Married life is very frustrating.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:

either the car is new or the wife is.

5. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

6. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something she says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finishes.

7. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

8. They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, that is LOVE. After marriage, that is SELF DEFENSE.

9. A wife becomes a "SEX OBJECT" when every time the husband asks for sex, she objects.

10. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

11. There are  two  four-letter words that are offensive to men in marriage - "don't" and "stop", unless, they are used together.

12. Marriage is an institution where the man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her

Master's Degree.

13. In marriage, a man can have words with his wife, but, a woman can have paragraphs with her husband.

14. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

15. There are 3 stages of SEX in a married life: Tri-weekly, try weekly and try weakly.

16. LOVE is a long sweet dream; MARRIAGE is the alarm clock.

17. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But, when a 10-year married man looks

happy, we wonder why.

18. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence ... a LIFE SENTENCE.

Testimonials:

1. A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "Wow! This stuff really Works!"

2. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her!

    Dad: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!!

3. Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to

live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluid from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug'.  She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my beer! She is such a bitch!

Some quotes: 

"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, what does a woman want?" -Sigmund Freud

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." - Henry Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." - Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.

It's called marriage." - James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."  - Patrick Murray

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong." - Milton Berle

"My wife and I were very happy for twenty years. Then we met." - Rodney Dangerfield

I found these hilarious.

I hope you enjoyed it :)

Love E.

Policeman Testifies in Court.....You'll Love This!!!

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.  The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir.  But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks  away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.  Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir.  With my life."

Q: "With your life?  Let me ask you this then officer.  Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win :)

Now that's what I call a convincing ad!!!

The Europeans certainly know how to advertise!!! ;)

Mother is ALWAYS right!

I was visiting my friend the other day whom i didn't see in a very long time because she is a very busy mama. I decided to go and see her since she has no time to go out anymore. She has 2 little boogers (Daniel 4 &  Angela 2) who are so hyper that it made my head hurt :) On top of the little kids, she also have 4 pit bulls and 3 cats. The dogs and the kids were running all over the place and I could see by her face that she no longer gives a damn hahaha. She pulled me outside to the patio, slid the glass door shut and lit a cigarette. She says that she would never give THAT k-os for anything :)
When she finally got the kids to calm down, she sat them down to eat lunch....and one again I heard something like "no lunch, no chocolate cake".....it reminded me of something very funny Gio's mom sent me:

I Owe My Mother....

1.  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
     "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2.  My mother taught me RELIGION 
     "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3.  My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
     "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4.  My mother taught me LOGIC
     "Because I said so, that's why."

5.  My mother taught me MORE LOGIC 
     "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6.  My mother taught me FORESIGHT
     "Make sure you wear clean underwear,in case you're in an accident."

7.  My mother taught me IRONY   
     "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.  My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
     "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9.  My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM
     "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA  
      "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about  WEATHER 
      "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
      "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
      "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
      "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY
      "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
      "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
     "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
      "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP
      "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20.  My mother taught me HUMOR
       "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
      "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS   
      "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS
     "Shut that door behind you.Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM   
      "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25.  My mother taught me about JUSTICE
     "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

My personal all time favorite! 
 
My mother taught me about CHOICE. 
"Do you want me to stop this car?"

 What did YOUR mom teach you??? :D

Babies See, Babies Do....

I came across these pictures somewhere on the net and found them to be really cute.
I absolutely LOVE babies and can't wait to have some of my own....but for now I only get to enjoy looking at other peoples babies.
Hope you like these photos...they made me smile :)

It’s easier to be a man because…..

1. Your phone call always lasts 30 sec or less
2. In the movies you get to see more naked women than men
3. For a weekly vacation one suit case is enough
4. The line up to the washroom is 80% shorter
5. You can open jars and wine bottles on your own
6. Your friends don’t care if you gain or lose weight
7. The size of your ass does not matter when you apply for a job
8. All your orgasms are real
9. You don’t carry a 10 lb purse filled with “the most important stuff’
10. The TV remote control is only yours
11. You don’t need to shave anything below your neck
12. If you are still single at 34, no one gives a damn
13. All problems are solved with flowers
14. You think about sex 90% of your free time
15. Three pairs of shoes are MORE than enough
16. You can take your top off in public if you are hot
17. The entire month your mood is stable
18. People never stare at your breasts when you are talking to them
19. You don’t really care if anyone noticed your new haircut
20. If there is another man at the party dressed as you are, you can possible become friends
21. Your last name stays put
22. You can never be pregnant
23. Mechanics tell you the truth
24. The world is your urinal
25. You never have to stop to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky
26. Wrinkles add character
27. Wedding dress $5000; Tux rental-$100
28. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack
29. You can play with toys all your life
30. Your belly usually hides your big hips
31. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look
32. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife

Divorced Barbie....

My dad sent me this joke a couple of weeks ago and I was going through my old emails and found his email with this joke. This joke is so funny because its true :)
Enjoy...


The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

Why men die before women?

I found these pictures hilarious.
I mean how much of an idiot you should be to risk your life like that?
I hope you will get a laugh out of it!

Have a great weekend :)